With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.

In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voice prints, one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1) On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.

2) Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first working day of the following month.

3) In addition, all toilets are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically.

4) If the toilet still remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.

5) Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits.

6) Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

7) Be advised that worker's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.

We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if you have any problems with this policy, you should make more use of your own toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your heart's content.

SIGNED,
MANAGEMENT

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