New Element Found!
Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the
heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic
mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to its discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred
in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice
neurons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually
INCREASES over time, since in each reorganization some of the morons
inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes. This characteristic
of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps
Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in large companies, healthcare facilities, and universities; and
will often be found in the newest, best-maintained buildings. Scientists
point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate.
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