10 Commandments For "Working Hard"
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees
headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed
for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for
the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night,
thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work"
to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a
blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal
benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about,
but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get
caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software,
thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us,
it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's
volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your
cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for
it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you
just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they
want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice
mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and
conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try
to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is
still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted
to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important
e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving
the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon
and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember,
they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! Words to live by!
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