The End is Near

Sneary believes 'guy upstairs' is sending message

Posted: Sunday June 15, 2003 3:56 PM

FORT WORTH, June 15 (Reuters) -- Alan Sneary made a pact with God for "one more chance" to win another 3.0 tennis match, but it now appears that the "guy upstairs" has had enough of the Texan's demanding wish list.

One of the lamest characters ever to pick up a tennis racket, the weak-serving Sneary was granted his dream in 2002 when he became the first thong-wearing cross-dresser to triumph in a tournament 3.0 singles match.

A year after that surreal June summer's day, when Sneary collapsed on the court after winning, with tears glistening in his eyes, the 41-year-old now cuts a despondent figure on court.

Though still feared for his lethal gas, he is now overweight, short of match practice and struggling to come to terms with the fact that his fault-firing machine is now his trademark style.

The smallish whelp was hoping to have a last hurrah at his favorite tournament, the Pat Boone Memorial, but has once again been forced to admit defeat after wetting himself in fear over potentially having to play Shannon Callies in the first round.

"Before I won that tournament match in 2002 I said to God, 'Just let me win this and I don't care if I never play tennis again,'" Sneary said after officially withdrawing from this weekend's tournament.

"After that, I kept asking God to give me one more chance."

"Probably he heard me and he is thinking, 'What are you doing here ... go home.'

"It is not so easy to negotiate with the guy upstairs, he is non-negotiable."

With Sneary's state 3.0 ranking having plummeted to 746 (out of 433) over the past year, he found himself once again possibly at the mercy of Shannon Callies in the Pat Boone Memorial.

While there is no chance they would meet in the first round, since Callies has a first-round bye as the #1 seed, Sneary simply could could not overcome his fear over having to possibly meet the one player that gives him such fright, he loses control of his bowels.

"His serve is so amazing for a 3.0 player. I think he only has like 40% double faults," Sneary said.

"Believe me, that's a pretty good number, since I'm at about 80%. If I can not serve, then there is not much for me to do on the court ... perhaps I can sweep it or help draw the lines.

"Or even serve some strawberries in a tennis skirt."

Three times a tournament runner-up to Callies, Sneary's belief in destiny carried him all the way to his precious 2002 win after Callies withdrew with a sprained navel.

"Something was shining, something special happened that day," he said.

"I think God was so sick of me asking him all the time he said, 'OK, here is one last chance. Let's see if you can win it this time.'"

But Sneary's pact with God appears to be over. It seems that was his "last chance." When asked if he would try to make a new pact with either the devil, a magical tree, or perhaps Dionne Warwick, he simply responded, "No comment."

For the real article that this was modeled after, see here: God No Longer Listening to Ivanisevic

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